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In Loving Memory of Niki - жаль девочки, геи для мальчиков
Большо́му кораблю́... большо́е пла́вание.
In Loving Memory of Niki
On Sunday April 21st, 2013, I woke up to hear the most terrible words I could ever imagine.

I feel terrible for wanting to write about that terrible morning, but Niki has been such an amazing influence in my life that I need to have an entry for her... for my own well being.

Sunday mornings usually consisted of me struggling to wake up as Casey pulls me out of bed or made attempts to wake me up so that we could go play tennis. It's been a ritual like that every Sunday morning for as long as I could remember. I was barely conscious, when instead of hearing "Time to get up to play tennis!", I hear "Sil... wake up! I think Niki is dead!"

I had never gotten up and jumped out of bed faster than that moment.

Everything was so unreal. It must have happened overnight. We rushed into Casey's bedroom, and as I round the corner of the bed there Niki was... laying there on the carpet, with her eyes opened. She wouldn't blink. That was what I remember most vividly about that morning. Casey couldn't bare to touch her (the reality of it all), so I carried her in my arms as we rushed to the emergency vet. I will never forget that either. I don't remember the conversation that went on from the house to the car. The only thing I remembered was saying "We're going to the vet. Let's go" I had never felt so much tunnel vision ever... I was just focused on her.

Halfway during the car ride, reality struck me, and I lost it. I started asking her if she could hear me, to give me any kind of sign... and nothing happened. Once we reached the vet, the lady said a bunch of things that I just was not taking in (Casey did the procedural stuff), and all I could do really was keep holding on to her, until I was asked to let her go.

And suddenly, our amazing doggy trio has now lost a member. :(

I am still in disbelief that I held in my hands a baby Niki 6 years ago ... to me holding her on her last hour. I would never believe it.

It wasn't until we came home without Niki that I realized just how much that little girl has done for me, my soul, my well-being. She meant so much more to me than I had realized. And I can't believe that I didn't love her even more. I was so stupid. Niki made me smile and made me feel happy for so many years... for most of my 20's, my prime years. That I am so incredibly thankful for.

Niki was the youngest of the three (at 6 years). To me, she was the cutest. She was the most energetic, most loving, and the most happy of the trio. She was always smiling. No matter what you did, what you ask her to do, she smiled. I could put her inside a laundry basket, and she would look up at me and smile. You can send her into hyperdrive by simply blowing air into her face. Then she'll play with you for hours. She was spastic at times, but she never did wrong. All she did was love. She gave the cutest little kisses, and every single night, when I got home from work, she would jump on my lap and fall asleep while I played on the computer. When I got in bed, she'd get in bed with me, and we would fall asleep together. Then every morning, she'd wake me up so I could take her outside. She was Kojak's best friend, and they did everything together. They'd play together, eat together, and fall asleep together when I left for work. They were inseparable.

Any time we were out in public, Niki was always the center of attention. At the dog park, people always went up to her and told us how beautiful she was. Kids would go to her and play with her, and she would always play with them back. Whenever we played tennis and took her, she would sit patiently and happily at the bench and watch our match. Then when we were ready to play ball with her, she'd bounce around and dart all across the courts. She was so people-friendly. And she was so happy. She's everything that I wasn't. And that's one of the main reasons why I really miss her. I don't have her charisma, her energy, her happy-go-lucky demeanor. I don't. I'm a fucking grumpy serious guy.

It is now Thursday. Things are still unbearable for me. On the outside I may be acting normal, but I am nowhere near feeling normal on the inside. There are a ton of emotions and thoughts going through me. They range from negative to positive, and it keeps flipping back and forth. I should have loved on her more the night before... held her close and taken care of her. Was I a bad pet owner? Did I neglect her? Was she feeling unloved? And then I remember her living a wonderful, happy, carefree, fulfilling, loving life. I remember just two weeks ago, spraying puppy cologne on her, and watching her shake it off. I remember so many happy memories. All the car rides, the walks, all those nights on the computer chair. And then, I remember Sunday morning, holding her body and that harsh, cruel, heavy reality... that feels so unreal, yet so real, all at the same time. The thoughts keep flipping around in my head.

I am glad that I got to meet one of the coolest pomeranians ever. There will never be another like her.

I am glad that I said yes when Casey asked me if we could get her as our third dog. It was the best decision I've ever made. Casey was holding baby Niki in front of my face, and they both looked at me waiting for me to decide whether or not I was going to make a purchase. I am so f#$%ing glad I said yes.

I am glad that Niki's gotten lots of play time with me. All those mornings throwing that rope toy endlessly never tires her, or me. Niki was a smart little girl.

I am glad that Niki loves us. :)
I hope that she knows that we love her.
I hope she is happy now, wherever she is.

I miss her so much. The smallest little thing is setting me into tears, and they are all small little things that I remember of her. Walking around the house reminds me of her. Playing the piano reminds me of her. Seeing Kojak reminds me of her. Seeing the couch reminds me of her. Seeing Izzy reminds me of her. Everything reminds me of her.

I never realized how important family is to me. This weekend opened my eyes.

Here is to 6 wonderful, amazing years. You will forever be my muse. Niki, you will be missed.

Current Mood: sad sad

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